She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
