he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
