I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
