Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
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