I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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