my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
