3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
