its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
