ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
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