not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
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