dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
what day is it and did you see me today?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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