I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
