where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Sorry my hands just texted you
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
