I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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