dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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