I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
