when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
