..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
