It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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