i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I could make wine with my vomit
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
