just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
