So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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