I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize