i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
