it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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