I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
