My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
did you just send me my own nude
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
