he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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