I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
