duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize