drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
as a side note pls kill me
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
