I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
