I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
