he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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