she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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