if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Boobs are out for the taking
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
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