Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
