I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
The Olympian is in my bed
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
