i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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