just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
