Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize