I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
