Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Such a big mess for such a small penis
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
