I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
