this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
