I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
