I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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