I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
try to milk me bitch
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