forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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