i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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