Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
