Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
