I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
