I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
