my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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