and my herpes radar will keep us safe
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
