I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
