I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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