I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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